I've cried lots of tears this summer. Happy ones, sad ones, angry ones and mad ones. I've fought back tears and have let them flow. I have laughed so hard that I've cried and cried because of loss. But today and this weekend I am crying tears for memories. Memories of 10 years ago when our world changed. 10 years ago when the unthinkable happened. 10 years ago when we were attacked and we haven't stopped fighting since.
I was in the 7th grade when 9/11 happened. I remember being at school when some people told me that an airplane had flown into a building, odd but didn't really do anything for me. then another one hit and we knew something was up. In homeroom we turned on the TV and watched the news...we watched the second tower fall to the ground. We watched in horror the repeats of the images of the planes crashing, people leaping, people running and the towers falling. We were in disbelief and I don't think we realized the ramifications of what had happened on that fateful September day.
Today I have watched a few videos and read stories and have cried. 10 years ago. So much has happened in that 10 years. I have known many people to go into the military in the past 10 years. I have known many who have fought and have come home. I have known some who did not get such great of a fate. I am reminded to be thankful for the country we live and the men and women who serve every single day. Not only to the soldiers in other countries, but those here. To the firefighters, policemen, and to all who serve our country I say thank you.
Some will disagree with the war and the fighting and violence. And I say I understand but please do not belittle what these men and women are doing and what they have offered up. It has taken centuries for us to get where we are and for you to be able to voice out your opinion and to sully the name of those who have valiantly served. I thank my grandpa, my great-uncles, my cousins, my second cousins, my father, my uncle, and my friends who have served and some who did not return. I thank them for giving up their comforts and serving. I will stand up for the military and I am proud to be the daughter of someone who served.
I have cried tears for the people we have lost and am so thankful for those who responded and for those who have served. So this weekend reflect on this time and what has gone on in the past ten years. Reflect on the memory of that day and be thankful for your time here. Be thankful for the opportunity to grow up in a country where you are free. Be grateful to be a country where you can cry, tears of happiness and sorrow, joy and pain. Be thankful. And remember
Friday, September 9, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
My Summer. My Heart. My Life.
My summer...has been an interesting one. It's not been the best summer of my life. It's definitely been tough. I've been trying to heal my broken heart. I was hurt this past year. I was broken. I didn't know what was happening any longer. Friends had betrayed me and I'm still finding out about betrayals that happened. Family didn't understand and I wasn't going to the place where I find rest and peace. I wasn't going to the place that I most connect with God or where I feel I'm connected most. Instead I stayed in Chicago and worked 3 jobs...and applied to a number of jobs...and got turned away and blacklisted (and unblacklisted) and no responses. I don't know what I'm doing with the next year of my life. I don't even know really what I'm doing with the rest of my life but I'm ok with that. I'm ok with not knowing...I wish I could know a little hint of maybe what is coming but God's got me. God's got a plan for me that is better than anything I could imagine.
A week ago I went to camp and counseled for Teen Camp. I didn't really know how I would reach these girls after my year of brokenness and my year of not really hearing God speak to me...or maybe I wasn't listening as well as I should have been. I went up to camp a night early and I ended up sharing everything that I had been struggling with and I was met with love and care and hugs and hands to help me. I was met with so much love. And one of my friends said that I would be able to help campers through what they might be struggling with because I have struggled with it. I've struggled with depression, anorexia, and suicidal thoughts. I don't any longer and I have been surrounding myself with positive images and thoughts and feelings but this summer and all the turndowns and letdowns have definitely discouraged me but I am constantly encouraged by people around me.
I had an incredible group of campers that I love and miss and care for so much. They blessed me in ways they won't ever know. God blessed me so much and showed me himself so much during that one week. Tomorrow I head back to camp to volunteer for 3 days, I hope to continue to reconnect even more with my Jesus and my God.
A week ago I went to camp and counseled for Teen Camp. I didn't really know how I would reach these girls after my year of brokenness and my year of not really hearing God speak to me...or maybe I wasn't listening as well as I should have been. I went up to camp a night early and I ended up sharing everything that I had been struggling with and I was met with love and care and hugs and hands to help me. I was met with so much love. And one of my friends said that I would be able to help campers through what they might be struggling with because I have struggled with it. I've struggled with depression, anorexia, and suicidal thoughts. I don't any longer and I have been surrounding myself with positive images and thoughts and feelings but this summer and all the turndowns and letdowns have definitely discouraged me but I am constantly encouraged by people around me.
I had an incredible group of campers that I love and miss and care for so much. They blessed me in ways they won't ever know. God blessed me so much and showed me himself so much during that one week. Tomorrow I head back to camp to volunteer for 3 days, I hope to continue to reconnect even more with my Jesus and my God.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Yes I'm proud to be a North Park Viking
I will forever be a NP Viking. Saturday I walked across a stage and became a college graduate. I graduated from college...now what? The last 21 years of my life have been somewhat planned out, grow up, go to school, graduate, go to high school, graduate, and go to college so you can finish your education so you can graduate and get a job. Well I did all that, now what?
This past year has been an interesting one. I've had some ups and downs but that's life isn't it? There will always be ups and downs. You will lose some friendships and gain some. I've gained so many incredible friends. I found a great community this past year. It came from places where I wasn't expecting it. It came from the 8 boys that lived next door, it came from the seminary students, it came from the freshmen and sophomore girls, it came from 6 guys that lived two doors down, it came from old friends and new friends. My community loved me and surrounded me and supported me. They loved on me, giving me words of love and encouragement. They surrounded me and called me out on the bad things and helped cultivate the good. I am so grateful for the people God has placed in my life. I don't know where I would be with out them. Some of them will never realize how much they mean to me or how much they actually did for me.
I think that's something about friendships and relationships, we don't really know how much of an affect we had on anyone until those people are out of our lives or we are out of theirs. My friend Ben died last Saturday. He was 21 years old and had so much going for him. That rounds out the number to 21 deaths in the 4 years I was in college. Some definitely affected me more than others, Phil, my uncle mike, dory, and other young people. All the deaths have made me realize that life is short. We don't know when our end is coming, we don't know when this life will end and eternity will begin. I don't want to go off into eternity regretting anything. I don't want to say I wish I would have done more. I want to serve and love Jesus with all that is within me. I'm challenged by this video again 6 years later and I hope it challenges you as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA_uwWPE6lQ
So post-graduation I will have no regrets. I will be surrounded by those who love and care for me. I will have a great community. I will also forever and always be proud to be a NP Viking.
This past year has been an interesting one. I've had some ups and downs but that's life isn't it? There will always be ups and downs. You will lose some friendships and gain some. I've gained so many incredible friends. I found a great community this past year. It came from places where I wasn't expecting it. It came from the 8 boys that lived next door, it came from the seminary students, it came from the freshmen and sophomore girls, it came from 6 guys that lived two doors down, it came from old friends and new friends. My community loved me and surrounded me and supported me. They loved on me, giving me words of love and encouragement. They surrounded me and called me out on the bad things and helped cultivate the good. I am so grateful for the people God has placed in my life. I don't know where I would be with out them. Some of them will never realize how much they mean to me or how much they actually did for me.
I think that's something about friendships and relationships, we don't really know how much of an affect we had on anyone until those people are out of our lives or we are out of theirs. My friend Ben died last Saturday. He was 21 years old and had so much going for him. That rounds out the number to 21 deaths in the 4 years I was in college. Some definitely affected me more than others, Phil, my uncle mike, dory, and other young people. All the deaths have made me realize that life is short. We don't know when our end is coming, we don't know when this life will end and eternity will begin. I don't want to go off into eternity regretting anything. I don't want to say I wish I would have done more. I want to serve and love Jesus with all that is within me. I'm challenged by this video again 6 years later and I hope it challenges you as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA_uwWPE6lQ
So post-graduation I will have no regrets. I will be surrounded by those who love and care for me. I will have a great community. I will also forever and always be proud to be a NP Viking.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
N'awlins
I definitely left part of my heart in Louisiana. Last week was my spring break and I spent the week serving in the Lower Ninth Ward of New Orleans. It was a week that pushed me, broke me, encouraged me, and made me think a lot.
I went New Orleans a year after Hurricane Katrina. I was shocked and saddened to see how much destruction and devastation had occurred in this city. To see what Mother Nature could do. I also saw God work through 35 students and their leaders. God touched my heart there and I've always had the desire to return to New Orleans and that opportunity came again this past spring break.
About 2 weeks before my spring break my friends Brad and Stephanie were talking about going to New Orleans and how everything was just being placed in their laps, such as transportation down there and an awesome organization to work with. They wanted everyone to have the opportunity to come with so they asked if I wanted to go and my heart leapt at the chance to go back. I prayed about it for a few days to make sure that it was something God could want me to do. And I felt that God was leading me back down there.
So on March 12, the day after I finished my student teaching fyi, we headed down to New Orleans. We hit a little bit of car trouble in Memphis but God answered prayer and our car started again. At 11PM we were pulling into New Orleans, LA and all the memories came flooding back. I was excited for the next week and what we would end up doing. We were staying in the Lower 9th Ward at the Lower 9th Ward Village which is an AMAZING organization. The story behind The Village is an awesome one and there is so much to share about it but it's an awesome place that wants to see it's community come back together. It takes a village to raise child. They are a community center/transitional housing/awesome place to be. Mack is the executive director and his brother Joe moved to NOLA 6 months ago to help his brother run the village.
During the week that I was there we cleaned out lots...the exact same thing I was doing 5 years ago. We cleaned out a lot that hadn't been touched in 6 years. 6 YEARS! How is that possible? How can there still be so much undone down in NOLA? In the Lower 9th Ward they only have 1 school open. 1 school for all the elementary and high school age kids. That just really bothers me. There are so many people that want to return home, to return to the houses that they had to abandon 6 years ago. There are some that have not returned and do not wish to return but there are a number of families that do want to return. There are some people who have returned but have no where to go, they can't return to their lot because it is so over grown with weeds and rubble or the government has overtaken it and they have to buy it back.
There is so much wrong in the city but there is so much hope and so much life coming back. The Village gave me hope. Mack, Joe, Andre, Kenneth, and Lamar gave me hope that there were people still there that are going to fight for their city. They are putting together a plan of how to help people in a disaster area. How to get their communities back together. I am part of that blue print. I am a part of The Village family and I miss them. I miss that family down there and I definitely want to return to them as soon as I possibly can.
The group with Mack and Joe.
I went New Orleans a year after Hurricane Katrina. I was shocked and saddened to see how much destruction and devastation had occurred in this city. To see what Mother Nature could do. I also saw God work through 35 students and their leaders. God touched my heart there and I've always had the desire to return to New Orleans and that opportunity came again this past spring break.
About 2 weeks before my spring break my friends Brad and Stephanie were talking about going to New Orleans and how everything was just being placed in their laps, such as transportation down there and an awesome organization to work with. They wanted everyone to have the opportunity to come with so they asked if I wanted to go and my heart leapt at the chance to go back. I prayed about it for a few days to make sure that it was something God could want me to do. And I felt that God was leading me back down there.
So on March 12, the day after I finished my student teaching fyi, we headed down to New Orleans. We hit a little bit of car trouble in Memphis but God answered prayer and our car started again. At 11PM we were pulling into New Orleans, LA and all the memories came flooding back. I was excited for the next week and what we would end up doing. We were staying in the Lower 9th Ward at the Lower 9th Ward Village which is an AMAZING organization. The story behind The Village is an awesome one and there is so much to share about it but it's an awesome place that wants to see it's community come back together. It takes a village to raise child. They are a community center/transitional housing/awesome place to be. Mack is the executive director and his brother Joe moved to NOLA 6 months ago to help his brother run the village.
During the week that I was there we cleaned out lots...the exact same thing I was doing 5 years ago. We cleaned out a lot that hadn't been touched in 6 years. 6 YEARS! How is that possible? How can there still be so much undone down in NOLA? In the Lower 9th Ward they only have 1 school open. 1 school for all the elementary and high school age kids. That just really bothers me. There are so many people that want to return home, to return to the houses that they had to abandon 6 years ago. There are some that have not returned and do not wish to return but there are a number of families that do want to return. There are some people who have returned but have no where to go, they can't return to their lot because it is so over grown with weeds and rubble or the government has overtaken it and they have to buy it back.
There is so much wrong in the city but there is so much hope and so much life coming back. The Village gave me hope. Mack, Joe, Andre, Kenneth, and Lamar gave me hope that there were people still there that are going to fight for their city. They are putting together a plan of how to help people in a disaster area. How to get their communities back together. I am part of that blue print. I am a part of The Village family and I miss them. I miss that family down there and I definitely want to return to them as soon as I possibly can.
The group with Mack and Joe.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Friendship
Friends:
1. people with whom one can laugh or cry, share hopes and dreams
2. keepers of secrets
3. allies, supporters, companions
4. those who are held in the noblest regard and the highest esteem
5. the family we choose
I have some pretty amazing friends. I have been incredible blessed to be surrounded by so many people that love me and appreciate me. They stand by me when I screw up, when I make a fool of my self, when I don't know what to do with my life, and they are just amazing. My friends know what to do when I'm stressed out...they give me hugs. They know how much a hug can mean to me. They know how much that touch of someone giving me a hug and just knowing that its gonna be ok. That them wrapping their arms around me just makes me feel safe and loved and secure. That I'm ok for that 10, 20, or 30 seconds. That someone acknowledges my presence for a short amount of time. That I am cared for.
I shared something at collegelife last week which was really hard for me to do. They had an open mic time where people were able to talk about things they struggle with and the things that we have overcome or times we feel rejected. So they had 3 statements up there:
I feel rejected when...
I struggle with overcoming...
I have succeeded in overcoming...
I was debating the entire time whether or not to go up there and I finally got the courage to do so. I struggle with overcoming the feeling that I am not loved and that I am unworthy of love.
I'm getting a lot better at receiving love and letting people love on me. One of my good guy friends came up to me after I said that and just wrapped his arms around me and held me and just told me how he loved me and how he didn't understand how I felt unloved and how I make this campus and our work team a better place. how he doesn't know what he would do without me. how he loves me. not what I do for him and make him but he just loves me for me.
I have some pretty amazing friends that surround me and love me and listen to me and hold me up and comfort me and laugh with me and at me, to stand by me, defend me, and protect me. I've seen it happen this past week a lot but I've also realized that the dynamic of some relationships are changing and they no longer care for me as much and that kind of hurts but I'm beginning to be ok with it. It really hurts sometimes, to realize I'm no longer that important to someone, but things change, friendships change.
I am loved by many fantastic friends and I'm not looking forward to saying good-bye in 3 months to some of them. So for now I will cherish the time I have with them and spend as much time with people as I can. I love my friends and they love me.
1. people with whom one can laugh or cry, share hopes and dreams
2. keepers of secrets
3. allies, supporters, companions
4. those who are held in the noblest regard and the highest esteem
5. the family we choose
I have some pretty amazing friends. I have been incredible blessed to be surrounded by so many people that love me and appreciate me. They stand by me when I screw up, when I make a fool of my self, when I don't know what to do with my life, and they are just amazing. My friends know what to do when I'm stressed out...they give me hugs. They know how much a hug can mean to me. They know how much that touch of someone giving me a hug and just knowing that its gonna be ok. That them wrapping their arms around me just makes me feel safe and loved and secure. That I'm ok for that 10, 20, or 30 seconds. That someone acknowledges my presence for a short amount of time. That I am cared for.
I shared something at collegelife last week which was really hard for me to do. They had an open mic time where people were able to talk about things they struggle with and the things that we have overcome or times we feel rejected. So they had 3 statements up there:
I feel rejected when...
I struggle with overcoming...
I have succeeded in overcoming...
I was debating the entire time whether or not to go up there and I finally got the courage to do so. I struggle with overcoming the feeling that I am not loved and that I am unworthy of love.
I'm getting a lot better at receiving love and letting people love on me. One of my good guy friends came up to me after I said that and just wrapped his arms around me and held me and just told me how he loved me and how he didn't understand how I felt unloved and how I make this campus and our work team a better place. how he doesn't know what he would do without me. how he loves me. not what I do for him and make him but he just loves me for me.
I have some pretty amazing friends that surround me and love me and listen to me and hold me up and comfort me and laugh with me and at me, to stand by me, defend me, and protect me. I've seen it happen this past week a lot but I've also realized that the dynamic of some relationships are changing and they no longer care for me as much and that kind of hurts but I'm beginning to be ok with it. It really hurts sometimes, to realize I'm no longer that important to someone, but things change, friendships change.
I am loved by many fantastic friends and I'm not looking forward to saying good-bye in 3 months to some of them. So for now I will cherish the time I have with them and spend as much time with people as I can. I love my friends and they love me.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Loneliness. And Love
Loneliness. Feeling unloved.
These are feelings that a lot of people struggle with. And we aren't so open with it. People feel lonely and unloved and unappreciated and it's not ok. I've struggled with it quite a bit but I look around me and I see people who love me and care about me. They love me for me and I don't feel so lonely. Sometimes its hard to let people love on me. It's hard for me to ask for help and accept it. But we all need human contact and companionship. We need people. We need conversations to happen. I feel like we all should be a little bit more open about feeling lonely because than we will know we aren't the only ones in the world that feel that way. We aren't alone in our loneliness.
We aren't meant to be alone. We are created to be in relationships with people. We are meant to be in community. One of my favorite movies is Into the Wild. At the end of the movie he realizes that in order to be truly happy we have to share it. "Happiness only real when shared." We are to share with other people our happiness, our love, our passions, our hurts, our needs, and our lives. It makes life so much better when we do. Sometimes, a person simply needs to be heard, to be known and appreciated despite failures and imperfections, and to be loved through their mess.
All we need to do is look around and we'll see people just like us going through similar things. Feeling the same things that we feel and maybe we can get by with a little help from our friends. Maybe we all should take a second to slow down and listen to what our friends are asking and sharing and what they need too. In order to receive love you have to be willing to give it. Iris Murdoch said "We can only learn to love by loving." You have to be willing to love people. You also have to be willing to accept love back which can be really hard but really rewarding.
So pause, look around, really see people, really listen and really love and be open to love.
These are feelings that a lot of people struggle with. And we aren't so open with it. People feel lonely and unloved and unappreciated and it's not ok. I've struggled with it quite a bit but I look around me and I see people who love me and care about me. They love me for me and I don't feel so lonely. Sometimes its hard to let people love on me. It's hard for me to ask for help and accept it. But we all need human contact and companionship. We need people. We need conversations to happen. I feel like we all should be a little bit more open about feeling lonely because than we will know we aren't the only ones in the world that feel that way. We aren't alone in our loneliness.
We aren't meant to be alone. We are created to be in relationships with people. We are meant to be in community. One of my favorite movies is Into the Wild. At the end of the movie he realizes that in order to be truly happy we have to share it. "Happiness only real when shared." We are to share with other people our happiness, our love, our passions, our hurts, our needs, and our lives. It makes life so much better when we do. Sometimes, a person simply needs to be heard, to be known and appreciated despite failures and imperfections, and to be loved through their mess.
All we need to do is look around and we'll see people just like us going through similar things. Feeling the same things that we feel and maybe we can get by with a little help from our friends. Maybe we all should take a second to slow down and listen to what our friends are asking and sharing and what they need too. In order to receive love you have to be willing to give it. Iris Murdoch said "We can only learn to love by loving." You have to be willing to love people. You also have to be willing to accept love back which can be really hard but really rewarding.
So pause, look around, really see people, really listen and really love and be open to love.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Words
"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." -Mother Teresa
Words mean a lot to me. I take things to heart and so words of encouragement and letters and emails and even text messages mean so much if they make me smile or laugh or sometimes even cry. They make me know that I am loved and cared for by someone. Saying a kind word to someone is so easy to do and yet we don't do it enough. Instead we tear people down, we cuss and we make fun of people and we are sarcastic. We say things to get a laugh, but on someone else's expense. I'm guilty of all of these but I'm gonna try and stop. I'm gonna try and only encourage people because I know how it much it means to me when someone takes the time to say I love you or I'm thankful for you or I miss you. It's nice to know that we are loved, cared for, and missed sometimes. It's nice to know that you aren't alone in this world.
Which we're not. We aren't alone in this world. We aren't alone in anything. We always have God but we also have friends and family and other people that we may not know but they have a story. They have wants and needs and they want to be loved as well. I think that's a pretty universal feeling to want, to love and be loved, to know someone and be known by someone. You want to be able to affect someone in a positive way. You want to be remembered once you are gone.
I've been thinking about that recently. What would people do if I was gone? Would it matter to anyone? Would anyone miss me because sometimes it feels like I wouldn't be missed. Do I really play that big of a role in this world? Do I really matter? Have I made an affect on anyone? What would people remember me for? Would I be remembered as someone who was loved and loved others? I hope so. I hope I would be remembered as someone who loves God with everything and that I tried to love like God loves. I hope I've had an affect on people. I hope I've been able to encourage people with my words. Because words mean a lot to me.
And you must remember that YOU MATTER VERY MUCH
Words mean a lot to me. I take things to heart and so words of encouragement and letters and emails and even text messages mean so much if they make me smile or laugh or sometimes even cry. They make me know that I am loved and cared for by someone. Saying a kind word to someone is so easy to do and yet we don't do it enough. Instead we tear people down, we cuss and we make fun of people and we are sarcastic. We say things to get a laugh, but on someone else's expense. I'm guilty of all of these but I'm gonna try and stop. I'm gonna try and only encourage people because I know how it much it means to me when someone takes the time to say I love you or I'm thankful for you or I miss you. It's nice to know that we are loved, cared for, and missed sometimes. It's nice to know that you aren't alone in this world.
Which we're not. We aren't alone in this world. We aren't alone in anything. We always have God but we also have friends and family and other people that we may not know but they have a story. They have wants and needs and they want to be loved as well. I think that's a pretty universal feeling to want, to love and be loved, to know someone and be known by someone. You want to be able to affect someone in a positive way. You want to be remembered once you are gone.
I've been thinking about that recently. What would people do if I was gone? Would it matter to anyone? Would anyone miss me because sometimes it feels like I wouldn't be missed. Do I really play that big of a role in this world? Do I really matter? Have I made an affect on anyone? What would people remember me for? Would I be remembered as someone who was loved and loved others? I hope so. I hope I would be remembered as someone who loves God with everything and that I tried to love like God loves. I hope I've had an affect on people. I hope I've been able to encourage people with my words. Because words mean a lot to me.
And you must remember that YOU MATTER VERY MUCH
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