Tears

I've cried lots of tears this summer. Happy ones, sad ones, angry ones and mad ones. I've fought back tears and have let them flow. I have laughed so hard that I've cried and cried because of loss. But today and this weekend I am crying tears for memories. Memories of 10 years ago when our world changed. 10 years ago when the unthinkable happened. 10 years ago when we were attacked and we haven't stopped fighting since.

I was in the 7th grade when 9/11 happened. I remember being at school when some people told me that an airplane had flown into a building, odd but didn't really do anything for me. then another one hit and we knew something was up. In homeroom we turned on the TV and watched the news...we watched the second tower fall to the ground. We watched in horror the repeats of the images of the planes crashing, people leaping, people running and the towers falling. We were in disbelief and I don't think we realized the ramifications of what had happened on that fateful September day.

Today I have watched a few videos and read stories and have cried. 10 years ago. So much has happened in that 10 years. I have known many people to go into the military in the past 10 years. I have known many who have fought and have come home. I have known some who did not get such great of a fate. I am reminded to be thankful for the country we live and the men and women who serve every single day. Not only to the soldiers in other countries, but those here. To the firefighters, policemen, and to all who serve our country I say thank you.

Some will disagree with the war and the fighting and violence. And I say I understand but please do not belittle what these men and women are doing and what they have offered up. It has taken centuries for us to get where we are and for you to be able to voice out your opinion and to sully the name of those who have valiantly served. I thank my grandpa, my great-uncles, my cousins, my second cousins, my father, my uncle, and my friends who have served and some who did not return. I thank them for giving up their comforts and serving. I will stand up for the military and I am proud to be the daughter of someone who served.

I have cried tears for the people we have lost and am so thankful for those who responded and for those who have served. So this weekend reflect on this time and what has gone on in the past ten years. Reflect on the memory of that day and be thankful for your time here. Be thankful for the opportunity to grow up in a country where you are free. Be grateful to be a country where you can cry, tears of happiness and sorrow, joy and pain. Be thankful. And remember

My Summer. My Heart. My Life.

My summer...has been an interesting one. It's not been the best summer of my life. It's definitely been tough. I've been trying to heal my broken heart. I was hurt this past year. I was broken. I didn't know what was happening any longer. Friends had betrayed me and I'm still finding out about betrayals that happened. Family didn't understand and I wasn't going to the place where I find rest and peace. I wasn't going to the place that I most connect with God or where I feel I'm connected most. Instead I stayed in Chicago and worked 3 jobs...and applied to a number of jobs...and got turned away and blacklisted (and unblacklisted) and no responses. I don't know what I'm doing with the next year of my life. I don't even know really what I'm doing with the rest of my life but I'm ok with that. I'm ok with not knowing...I wish I could know a little hint of maybe what is coming but God's got me. God's got a plan for me that is better than anything I could imagine.

A week ago I went to camp and counseled for Teen Camp. I didn't really know how I would reach these girls after my year of brokenness and my year of not really hearing God speak to me...or maybe I wasn't listening as well as I should have been. I went up to camp a night early and I ended up sharing everything that I had been struggling with and I was met with love and care and hugs and hands to help me. I was met with so much love. And one of my friends said that I would be able to help campers through what they might be struggling with because I have struggled with it. I've struggled with depression, anorexia, and suicidal thoughts. I don't any longer and I have been surrounding myself with positive images and thoughts and feelings but this summer and all the turndowns and letdowns have definitely discouraged me but I am constantly encouraged by people around me.

I had an incredible group of campers that I love and miss and care for so much. They blessed me in ways they won't ever know. God blessed me so much and showed me himself so much during that one week. Tomorrow I head back to camp to volunteer for 3 days, I hope to continue to reconnect even more with my Jesus and my God.

Yes I'm proud to be a North Park Viking

I will forever be a NP Viking. Saturday I walked across a stage and became a college graduate. I graduated from college...now what? The last 21 years of my life have been somewhat planned out, grow up, go to school, graduate, go to high school, graduate, and go to college so you can finish your education so you can graduate and get a job. Well I did all that, now what?

This past year has been an interesting one. I've had some ups and downs but that's life isn't it? There will always be ups and downs. You will lose some friendships and gain some. I've gained so many incredible friends. I found a great community this past year. It came from places where I wasn't expecting it. It came from the 8 boys that lived next door, it came from the seminary students, it came from the freshmen and sophomore girls, it came from 6 guys that lived two doors down, it came from old friends and new friends. My community loved me and surrounded me and supported me. They loved on me, giving me words of love and encouragement. They surrounded me and called me out on the bad things and helped cultivate the good. I am so grateful for the people God has placed in my life. I don't know where I would be with out them. Some of them will never realize how much they mean to me or how much they actually did for me.

I think that's something about friendships and relationships, we don't really know how much of an affect we had on anyone until those people are out of our lives or we are out of theirs. My friend Ben died last Saturday. He was 21 years old and had so much going for him. That rounds out the number to 21 deaths in the 4 years I was in college. Some definitely affected me more than others, Phil, my uncle mike, dory, and other young people. All the deaths have made me realize that life is short. We don't know when our end is coming, we don't know when this life will end and eternity will begin. I don't want to go off into eternity regretting anything. I don't want to say I wish I would have done more. I want to serve and love Jesus with all that is within me. I'm challenged by this video again 6 years later and I hope it challenges you as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA_uwWPE6lQ

So post-graduation I will have no regrets. I will be surrounded by those who love and care for me. I will have a great community. I will also forever and always be proud to be a NP Viking.

N'awlins

I definitely left part of my heart in Louisiana. Last week was my spring break and I spent the week serving in the Lower Ninth Ward of New Orleans. It was a week that pushed me, broke me, encouraged me, and made me think a lot.

I went New Orleans a year after Hurricane Katrina. I was shocked and saddened to see how much destruction and devastation had occurred in this city. To see what Mother Nature could do. I also saw God work through 35 students and their leaders. God touched my heart there and I've always had the desire to return to New Orleans and that opportunity came again this past spring break.

About 2 weeks before my spring break my friends Brad and Stephanie were talking about going to New Orleans and how everything was just being placed in their laps, such as transportation down there and an awesome organization to work with. They wanted everyone to have the opportunity to come with so they asked if I wanted to go and my heart leapt at the chance to go back. I prayed about it for a few days to make sure that it was something God could want me to do. And I felt that God was leading me back down there.

So on March 12, the day after I finished my student teaching fyi, we headed down to New Orleans. We hit a little bit of car trouble in Memphis but God answered prayer and our car started again. At 11PM we were pulling into New Orleans, LA and all the memories came flooding back. I was excited for the next week and what we would end up doing. We were staying in the Lower 9th Ward at the Lower 9th Ward Village which is an AMAZING organization. The story behind The Village is an awesome one and there is so much to share about it but it's an awesome place that wants to see it's community come back together. It takes a village to raise child. They are a community center/transitional housing/awesome place to be. Mack is the executive director and his brother Joe moved to NOLA 6 months ago to help his brother run the village.

During the week that I was there we cleaned out lots...the exact same thing I was doing 5 years ago. We cleaned out a lot that hadn't been touched in 6 years. 6 YEARS! How is that possible? How can there still be so much undone down in NOLA? In the Lower 9th Ward they only have 1 school open. 1 school for all the elementary and high school age kids. That just really bothers me. There are so many people that want to return home, to return to the houses that they had to abandon 6 years ago. There are some that have not returned and do not wish to return but there are a number of families that do want to return. There are some people who have returned but have no where to go, they can't return to their lot because it is so over grown with weeds and rubble or the government has overtaken it and they have to buy it back.

There is so much wrong in the city but there is so much hope and so much life coming back. The Village gave me hope. Mack, Joe, Andre, Kenneth, and Lamar gave me hope that there were people still there that are going to fight for their city. They are putting together a plan of how to help people in a disaster area. How to get their communities back together. I am part of that blue print. I am a part of The Village family and I miss them. I miss that family down there and I definitely want to return to them as soon as I possibly can.

The group with Mack and Joe.

Friendship

Friends:
1. people with whom one can laugh or cry, share hopes and dreams
2. keepers of secrets
3. allies, supporters, companions
4. those who are held in the noblest regard and the highest esteem
5. the family we choose

I have some pretty amazing friends. I have been incredible blessed to be surrounded by so many people that love me and appreciate me. They stand by me when I screw up, when I make a fool of my self, when I don't know what to do with my life, and they are just amazing. My friends know what to do when I'm stressed out...they give me hugs. They know how much a hug can mean to me. They know how much that touch of someone giving me a hug and just knowing that its gonna be ok. That them wrapping their arms around me just makes me feel safe and loved and secure. That I'm ok for that 10, 20, or 30 seconds. That someone acknowledges my presence for a short amount of time. That I am cared for.

I shared something at collegelife last week which was really hard for me to do. They had an open mic time where people were able to talk about things they struggle with and the things that we have overcome or times we feel rejected. So they had 3 statements up there:
I feel rejected when...
I struggle with overcoming...
I have succeeded in overcoming...

I was debating the entire time whether or not to go up there and I finally got the courage to do so. I struggle with overcoming the feeling that I am not loved and that I am unworthy of love.
I'm getting a lot better at receiving love and letting people love on me. One of my good guy friends came up to me after I said that and just wrapped his arms around me and held me and just told me how he loved me and how he didn't understand how I felt unloved and how I make this campus and our work team a better place. how he doesn't know what he would do without me. how he loves me. not what I do for him and make him but he just loves me for me.

I have some pretty amazing friends that surround me and love me and listen to me and hold me up and comfort me and laugh with me and at me, to stand by me, defend me, and protect me. I've seen it happen this past week a lot but I've also realized that the dynamic of some relationships are changing and they no longer care for me as much and that kind of hurts but I'm beginning to be ok with it. It really hurts sometimes, to realize I'm no longer that important to someone, but things change, friendships change.

I am loved by many fantastic friends and I'm not looking forward to saying good-bye in 3 months to some of them. So for now I will cherish the time I have with them and spend as much time with people as I can. I love my friends and they love me.

Loneliness. And Love

Loneliness. Feeling unloved.

These are feelings that a lot of people struggle with. And we aren't so open with it. People feel lonely and unloved and unappreciated and it's not ok. I've struggled with it quite a bit but I look around me and I see people who love me and care about me. They love me for me and I don't feel so lonely. Sometimes its hard to let people love on me. It's hard for me to ask for help and accept it. But we all need human contact and companionship. We need people. We need conversations to happen. I feel like we all should be a little bit more open about feeling lonely because than we will know we aren't the only ones in the world that feel that way. We aren't alone in our loneliness.

We aren't meant to be alone. We are created to be in relationships with people. We are meant to be in community. One of my favorite movies is Into the Wild. At the end of the movie he realizes that in order to be truly happy we have to share it. "Happiness only real when shared." We are to share with other people our happiness, our love, our passions, our hurts, our needs, and our lives. It makes life so much better when we do. Sometimes, a person simply needs to be heard, to be known and appreciated despite failures and imperfections, and to be loved through their mess.

All we need to do is look around and we'll see people just like us going through similar things. Feeling the same things that we feel and maybe we can get by with a little help from our friends. Maybe we all should take a second to slow down and listen to what our friends are asking and sharing and what they need too. In order to receive love you have to be willing to give it. Iris Murdoch said "We can only learn to love by loving." You have to be willing to love people. You also have to be willing to accept love back which can be really hard but really rewarding.

So pause, look around, really see people, really listen and really love and be open to love.

Words

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." -Mother Teresa

Words mean a lot to me. I take things to heart and so words of encouragement and letters and emails and even text messages mean so much if they make me smile or laugh or sometimes even cry. They make me know that I am loved and cared for by someone. Saying a kind word to someone is so easy to do and yet we don't do it enough. Instead we tear people down, we cuss and we make fun of people and we are sarcastic. We say things to get a laugh, but on someone else's expense. I'm guilty of all of these but I'm gonna try and stop. I'm gonna try and only encourage people because I know how it much it means to me when someone takes the time to say I love you or I'm thankful for you or I miss you. It's nice to know that we are loved, cared for, and missed sometimes. It's nice to know that you aren't alone in this world.

Which we're not. We aren't alone in this world. We aren't alone in anything. We always have God but we also have friends and family and other people that we may not know but they have a story. They have wants and needs and they want to be loved as well. I think that's a pretty universal feeling to want, to love and be loved, to know someone and be known by someone. You want to be able to affect someone in a positive way. You want to be remembered once you are gone.

I've been thinking about that recently. What would people do if I was gone? Would it matter to anyone? Would anyone miss me because sometimes it feels like I wouldn't be missed. Do I really play that big of a role in this world? Do I really matter? Have I made an affect on anyone? What would people remember me for? Would I be remembered as someone who was loved and loved others? I hope so. I hope I would be remembered as someone who loves God with everything and that I tried to love like God loves. I hope I've had an affect on people. I hope I've been able to encourage people with my words. Because words mean a lot to me.

And you must remember that YOU MATTER VERY MUCH

Beautifully Sensitive

I've always been sensitive. Sensitive to people's perceptions of me. Sensitive to what is going on in my life and in others. My heart breaks for everything going on in this world. My heart is broken for those around me and for what happens in our world. Being sensitive isn't a bad thing, I've kind of always thought it has been. Growing up I was told I was too sensitive so I've always had a negative perception with the word. Being sensitive isn't a bad thing. It might make it hard for people to be honest with me because I might not react in a way that they want but in a way that I need too and in a way that is honest to me. I've been in a struggle this semester about who I am and where I stand with people. I feel like I have to bring something to the table in order to be loved but I don't. I just need to bring myself. If people aren't going to love me for who I am than I don't need them in my life. It's taken me a long time to realize that but to dwell on the fact that I just need to come as myself and part of myself is my sensitivity which plays into my heart. My heart of wanting to help people, love people, serve people and wanting to see God's kingdom brought to earth.

Today has been a good day and I've heard this song a couple of times when I've been driving to and from mini-teaching and it's what I've needed to hear. These lyrics speak truth to my heart. I have fallen in love with this song and I'm going to dwell on the truth behind this song. I feel the need to share this with you all and remind you that you are loved. you are loved not only by me but you are loved by the one who created you and the one that desires to have a relationship. He's reminding you that you are beautiful. You are meant for so much more than this.

Beautiful by MercyMe

Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured
You are sacred
You are His

I'm not in a story by myself

I'm not in this story by myself.
When did I become so self-centered?
When did I start thinking that everything had to be about me and how I am doing?
I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and I'm not the only person in my story.
And it's not my story.
I'm just a background character in God's story.
His story is the one that I want to be in.
His story is the one that I want to bring light too.
I've got some pretty amazing people surrounding me and I love them all.
I need to stop letting the petty things bother me.
I need to go back to being me.
I want to go back to being the girl who didn't care what people thought of her.
I want to go back to being the girl who loved everyone and didn't hold things against others.
I've been through the wringer this past semester.
I've felt unloved, unappreciated, and unworthy of friends.
I sometimes question why people are friends with me.
Sometimes I still feel that way but than I dwell on the fact that I am a child of God and that is all that I need.
I am loved. I am His.
Light came into the world 2000 years ago.
Light is the one thing that cannot be overcome.
Light defeats darkness every single time.
Right now the world feels very dark but there are these little pockets of light all around me and I need to cling to the ultimate light in Jesus.
I need to connect myself with the ultimate source.
He will make sure that I stand and that I don't move.
Jesus is the one that I must cling to in this time.
I am a part of his story and I'm not the only person in my story.

My Heart

My mind and my heart have been all over the place the past week. I've been reading some blogs/books, hearing some messages, talking with friends, and being shown things by God. This is gonna be a longer post but I really want to share what I've been learning and to hear feedback from you guys. :)

One of the blogs that I follow is Stuff Christians Like, I bookmarked this post (#512 Thinking You Are Naked) awhile ago but I came back to it as a distraction from a paper that I've been writing and it hit me. When did I start feeling shameful of who I am? I've been dealing with that a bit this semester. And I'm getting a lot better and not letting things bother me so much but when did I start feeling shameful of being who I am. Who has been telling me lies and deceitful things? Those words do not come from God. In this post Jon is talking about how when he was bandaging up his 5 year olds wound on her forehead she didn't want a bandaid because she would look silly. When does a 5 year old care about looking silly? Who told her that she would look silly? God asks Adam and Eve a very similar question in Genesis, He asks them who told you that you were naked? Jon says "There is hurt in God’s voice as He asks this question, but there is also a deep sadness, the sense of a father holding a daughter that has for the first time ever, wrapped herself in shame." God asks us who is telling us these lies and these things that we believe about ourselves or think about ourselves. They are not true at all. I am loved. I am cared for. I am appreciated. I am not alone in this world. Jon towards the end says

In Christ we are not worthless.

In Christ we are not hopeless.

In Christ we are not dumb or ugly or forgotten.

In Christ we are not naked.

Isaiah 61:10 it says:
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness.

God has clothed us in salvation and righteousness. I have nothing to fear. I do not need to be shameful of you I am. Read this blog, it's fantastic.

For my small group this year we are reading the book, Crazy Love by Francis Chan. We are only 2 weeks in but I am loving every part of the book. This past week we read the chapter called you might not finish this chapter. It was talking about how we don't know when our last day on earth is going to be. We don't know when we are going to die and so we need to live each day as if it is our last. But he also talked about how we think life is all about us when it is not. We are just a very small part in this movie that is all about GOD. When he talked about that it made me think of this summer and our theme of what will your story be? I am not writing my story but I am just playing a very small part in God's story. God knows where I am going. God knows what I will be doing next year. God has a part in his story for me.

This also made me think of the speaker during TC and how he said Can people tell who your father is by the way you walk? Can people tell that God is my father by the way that I live my life? I hope and pray that they do but I need to live more and more like Jesus. I need to walk closer with him. I need to give over everything.

I also just finished a paper for my christian spirituality class. It was on the Jesus Prayer. I had heard of it prior to me doing this project but I have since than fallen in love with the meaning behind it and how much power there is in it. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have Mercy on Me, a sinner. To dwell on those words and to call on the name of Jesus is a powerful thing. I need grace and mercy and love. I am a broken individual who needs all of that and I can only ask God to grant me those things. I'm going to begin to pray and meditate on these words everyday. I want to call on the name of Jesus all the time and to dwell in his presence.

The last thing I've had on my heart lately is what we've heard in chapel for the past few weeks. A couple of weeks ago Jim Wallace was here and he spoke with Tim King as well. They talked about social justice, which is something I am becoming more and more passionate about. They talked about loving your neighbor and who your neighbor really is. Jim said you learn the most by being where you don't belong. I'm not sure where I belong right now. I'm not sure what God has in store for me for next year or even next summer. I know He's gonna do great things in and through me. They also talked about having a career and a vocation. A career is something that you get and you are on a ladder seeing how high you can get on that ladder, trying to get ahead in life. A vocation is something totally different. They asked us What fires your passion? What are you really good at? Where is it that your gifts meet the crushing needs of the world? That is your vocation. I have a great love for people. I love people no matter what, or at least I try to, sometimes it's hard and I'm only human. I'm not exactly sure where that is gonna lead me but God will show me in His time.

This week we had Eugene Cho speak at chapel. He is a pastor at a church out in Washington and is the founder of OneDaysWages. Eugene talked about how we are so blessed here in the states. How we make so much, even as college students. He started off by talking about how we are bombarded all the time with advertisements of how we aren't good enough or that we don't have enough. but

80% of the world makes less than $10 a day.

2.7 billion people make less than $2 a day.

1.4 billion people under $1.25 (that's 5 quarters!)

1 billion (yes billion) people don't have access to clean water

I am so blessed. I have more than I need, I am so incredibly blessed. I have food, clothes, shelter, clean water, an awesome job (stressful at times but still awesome) amazing friend and family. I am so incredibly blessed. Onedayswages takes what you would make in 1 day and puts it to work. He shared a story of a family in Burma and how they make $40 a year. A YEAR! That number shocked me, made me feel guilty, and I wanted to cry. I spent that much on groceries last week and these people are supposed to live off of it for a year! We can be a generation that can fall more in love with the ideas of love and compassion. We have a heart for social justice, we just need to turn our deeds into actions.

So for the next 2 weeks I am going to not buy groceries and I will just live off of what I have. I will also not be spending money on luxery items such as eating out or starbucks unless it's from a giftcard. All the money that I save from that will be going to the offering we are taking up in a few weeks at school. We are going to try and raise $15,000 for a poultry farm in Zambia. We have a person who will match whatever we make up to $15,000. I pray that as a school we can come together and make it happen. I pray that we raise more money than that! God can use college students. I saw it happen at Passion 2010 when in 4 days God had 20,000 college students raise just over 1 million dollars. That's crazy but you know what my God is a God of miracles and we are His people and He will provide for us. So if you read this entire thing, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for reading what's been on my heart. I would love to hear what you think of any or all of it.

Why did I doubt?

Why did I ever doubt I was loved and cared for by the people surrounding me?

Why did I ever think that I wasn't appreciated?

I think I figured it out this past week.

I don't want to be a teacher right now.

Yes, you read that correctly, I don't want to teach anymore or at least for the next few years and that has been my identity the past few years. That's all I've been thinking of doing with my life since high school...maybe even before that. I just don't have a passion for it right now, so why do something that I don't have a passion for right now. That's not fair to me or the students that I would be teaching. Maybe I'll change my mind once I get back into the classroom for mini-teaching and student teaching but I'm open to whatever God wants for my life.

I feel like my identity has been so wrapped up in being a teacher that now that I no longer want that my identity is gone. How could people love me for who I am if I don't even know who I am any longer?

I am a Child of the most High God and I rest in that.

I am a daughter of the most High King.

I am a sister to the one who died for all my sins and my sorrows.

I am a branch of the Living Branch.

I AM FOREVER AND ALWAYS LOVED AND ACCEPTED BY GOD.

I still struggle with feeling loved and appreciated by I am also learning how to love me. That's hard for me but I working on it. I'm a broken person and I'm trying to pick up the pieces and put me back together.

Looking for the good...instead of the bad

I am doing so much better.

God is amazing.

God is working.

God is healing me.

This weekend I went away from school to go celebrate my grandma's 85th birthday. I got to see some of my relatives for the first time since my grandpa's funeral 4 years ago. Some of them I had never met before. God reminded me of how blessed I am. There was 33 of us together this weekend. 33 of that come from all walks of life but have one similarity, Doris Frazier. My grandmother is an amazing woman. She has gone through so much in her life and she has relied on God. God has been her stronghold and who she has turned to in everything. Some of my family is going through a tough time in their lives right now and my grandma pulled out this devotional and read "If you can't trace God's hand, you can always trust His heart."

That hit me like a ton of bricks. Right now I can't see God in my life but I know that He is there and that He is working and that HE will PROVIDE. God has surrounded me with an amazing family that I love dearly and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I wish we all lived closer so we could see each other more often but we don't always get what we want. But this weekend I was reminded of how much I am loved and I am appreciated. My love language is a pretty close 3 way tie for first between words of affirmation, quality time, and physical touch. I got a lot of that this weekend. I was loved on and I was able to love my family. I was reminded of how I want to leave a legacy behind. I want to have a ton of kids, and grand kids and great grandkids. My grandma has 5 kids, 13 grandkids (not including spouses on those) and 13 great grand kids with number 14 on the way. I want to be like my grandma to leave a legacy of loving God and loving people.

I will not let the voice of Satan deceive me into thinking I am not loved or appreciated because I am loved and appreciated by the God who created everything. I am loved and appreciated by my family. I am loved and appreciated by my friends. I may not always see it and they may not say it which is hard sometimes but I know that I am loved and appreciated.

This battle is over but I will continue to fight. I will stand up against the world around me and serve the one I love no matter what. I may not see God moving in huge ways right now, but I trust Him and I love Him and I will serve Him no matter what. I will look for the good and not dwell on the bad. I will look to Him to provide everything in my life. I will look for the manna instead of the trial.

If you can't trace God's hand, you can always trust His heart.

Hurting

I'm hurting.

My life is not what I want it to be.

My life is no where near perfect.

I am hurting.

I am numb. Death no longer affects me.

I've experienced 16 deaths in 3 years.

16.

That's a huge number. My great uncle died about 2 weeks ago. I don't think I've cried about it. I wasn't that close to him but he was still family. He was still part of my life and I won't ever see him again.

My heart is in so many pieces.

I'm broken for my friends.

my family.

my campers.

the world.

the people around me.

We are in a broken world and I am just a part of it.

I'm trying to work through my problems.

I've had so much happen in the past 6 weeks of being back at school.

Losing some friendships.

Friendships changing.

Dealing with broken hearts and broken lives.

I need and desire God more than ever but sometimes I feel like he's forgotten about me.

I feel so under appreciated and not valued by some friends.

I do so much for so many and get spread very thin sometimes.

I don't need to be loved by everyone but sometimes I feel like all I do is give and I never really ever ask for anything in return.

I don't like asking for help.

I feel weak and I don't like to show weakness.

It's something I've always struggled with and will most likely will continue to struggle with.

I am human and I am weak.

I can't do this on my own anymore.

I need help.

I need God more than ever.

Exhausted

I am broken.

I am exhausted.

I am in desperate need of prayer and of support.

I have one and a half weeks left of camp and I'm tired.

This week has been a very hard week. My campers don't listen and love to scream! Please pray that God would just calm them. Pray for me to have the strength and energy to get through the next week and a half. I'm sorry that I haven't posted as often as I would like but life has been busier than I thought. I love you all and cannot wait to catch up in person.

Celebrations Galore

Saturday was my cousin Beckie’s wedding in California. It was also the 60^th anniversary party for my camp. Two weeks ago on Wednesday I turned 21 years old. It’s been a time of celebration. God has been so good to me and to my family over the years. God has blessed us so very much. And the family I’m talking about not only is my blood relatives but also my camp family. My friends that I have at camp have truly become like family to me. Camp friends are friends that you really can’t describe and you really just can’t ever forget either. I’ve been so blessed to have so many. While I’ve went to California last week for a few days for my cousins wedding I missed my friends at camp and I missed what’s been happening. This past week was jr. high coed and I was sad not to be counseling but I was glad to be able to work behind the scenes. It was cool to see how my fellow counselors work. When you are a counselor you get so wrapped up in your cabin and your campers that you don’t get a chance to observe the others.

This week is jr. high boys. I’m in the kitchen as an assistant cook. It’s been awesome. The staff has been amazing and so very hardworking. The do everything we ask and are constantly asking how else we can help out. It’s awesome. I’m very tired but not as tired as our guy counselors who are going on week 3 of 4 of counseling straight. I’m praying for them and ask that you would too as well. Be praying for our staff because we are all tired. We are all wiped. We get are getting to the point where we utterly rely on Him alone. Pray that we would be broken and do reach that point of crying to God saying you are the only way I’m making it through this. God has been using us and I pray he continues to use us.

Bug Bites

As I sit here, I'm trying not to scratch at my numerous bug bites. I love almost everything about camp but bugs bites are one thing I could do without. This past of camp was good. Girls camp was really good. My cabin was awesome. They were all first time campers and really enjoyed everything about camp. They loved the campout early morning fishing and everything about handcraft. I made probably 10 bracelets, 2 fish lanyards and gave a ton of lessons. My girls sang and danced during chapel. They heard all about the love of God. I had one really homesick camper. She would cry at random times through, it wasn't predictable at all which made it harder. She made it through the week which was great. I miss my girls. They were wonderful. This week is boys camp so I have a bit of a break which is nice. I'm on rec staff this week which is something I enjoy and I'm good at. Pray that I get the rest I need this week and that God would break us as a staff. Because only when we are completely broken will we be completely and utterly relient on God and he will do wonders through us.

My Heart Has Been Stolen

Jr. Coed is over and Jr. Girls has begun. Jr. Coed went really well this year. I had a great but talkative cabin. I think that the girls really did get a lot out of what we learned and talked about. One of them even accepted Christ which is totally awesome! I definitely had a favorite camper this past week though. I know I’m not supposed to pick favorites but I did. It wasn’t a camper from my cabin but one from my team. His name is Jarell and he stole my heart. He wasn’t the best behaved camper but he definitely was my favorite. Whenever he would come to sports he would give it his all until we were losing or when he got out and than he would run off but I would run after him. I would talk with him and get him to come back and play. He would listen to me and we made a good team. I made us matching bracelets so that we could always remember each other. Saying goodbye to him and the rest of the Kenosha kids was really hard. I ended up crying a couple of times. He definitely stole part of my heart when he left but he turned to me and said don’t worry I’ll be back next year. I met so many amazing campers this past week and I know so many of them will go on to do amazing things for God.

My cabin for girls week is great but half of them are homesick so just be praying for that for right now.

Sugar, S'mores, and Bracelets

This has been a long and difficult week. I still have 2 days left but God is faithful and will get me through. My cabin is still very talkative and they don’t really listen any better than they used to. Continue to pray that they would start listening better and that they wouldn't be so talkative during chapel and devos. We had a carnival last night where the campers got snow cones and cotton candy and than later that night at about 10:30, all the girl cabins got s'mores so needless to say it was a little difficult to get my campers to sleep last night. But can I just say that the quiet game works when the consequences are scraping the table at every meal the next day. My team is doing really well. They've been awesome this week. I have a couple of boys that get upset when things don't go our way but they are doing a lot better. It doesn't take as much time to get them to come back from running off. They just need to be loved and not yelled at.Pray that I can show them the love of Jesus and that some of the guy counselors would step up and not be angry or mad when they run off but that they would show them that they are loved. With one of them, I've made matching bracelets and he seemed to really loved that. I've also had a couple of campers make me some bracelets, so needless to say my arms are going to be covered by the end of the summer. Pray that I get sleep and rest. Pray that I can spend as much time with my campers and show them that I love them all but that more importantly Jesus loves them. Pray that their hearts will be open to the message tonight.

Week 1 Day 2

So camp started yesterday. I'm excited to finally have campers and I just love my girls so much. Its really awesome to see some of my past campers and one really cool thing is that my co-counselor this week was actually one of my campers from teen camp last summer. It's really awesome reconnecting with her and being able to work alongside her and pour into campers. I have a really great cabin. I've had a couple of the girls on my team or just know them from past summers. My girls are very talkative as they all are going into 6th grade and just love to chat. This is awesome during the day but makes going to bed difficult. Just be praying that they would be open to the word and that they would want to hear about God's love. Also be praying for Tiffany as she is very homesick right now. She cries mostly at night but she really misses her parents. That's about it for now. I'll try and update in a couple of days.

Busy, Busy, Busy

I've been at camp for a week and a half already and have been super busy. I love being here. Last week was crazy busy in the kitchen. I worked from 7AM- 10 PM getting food ready, cooking, cleaning and odd jobs all over the place. I have a new found respect for my friends who have worked in the camp kitchen in the past but also a new found respect for those who work in the food industry. There is a lot of unseen stuff that happens behind the scenes in a kitchen. You not only have to cook and serve the food but you have to prep all the food as well. So for me that meant I needed to make enough pancake batter for 525 people in the span of a couple of hours. For a batch of pancake batter for 250 people there is 22.5 lbs of flour, 60 eggs, and mass quantities of other ingredients. Needless to say I was covered from head to toe in flour and everything else. Haha

The rest of the counselors got here this past Friday and it was a good day. We’ve had a lot of fun getting to know each other and I’m really excited to see us come together as a team. There are a lot of different personalities and people on the counseling teams and I think we will all get along. The rest of the staff is wonderful and really supportive. I’m excited to continue to get to know them and joke around with them.

Things that you can be praying for as we finish training week and start camp:

-That we continue to grow as a team and come together. There are still some differences between us and we need to come completely together before the campers get here.

-That this first week is a good week and that campers come with open eyes, ears, and hearts.

-Pray that I can be good counselor and know what to share to my campers.

-That my cabin comes together and that there isn’t a division between them.

-Prayer for safety and health. This will be a long and tough summer and I just pray that I stay healthy and safe.

I love you all so much and would love to hear how you are all doing. Mail, emails, texts, any form of communication is greatly loved.

Until next time.