Why did I doubt?

Why did I ever doubt I was loved and cared for by the people surrounding me?

Why did I ever think that I wasn't appreciated?

I think I figured it out this past week.

I don't want to be a teacher right now.

Yes, you read that correctly, I don't want to teach anymore or at least for the next few years and that has been my identity the past few years. That's all I've been thinking of doing with my life since high school...maybe even before that. I just don't have a passion for it right now, so why do something that I don't have a passion for right now. That's not fair to me or the students that I would be teaching. Maybe I'll change my mind once I get back into the classroom for mini-teaching and student teaching but I'm open to whatever God wants for my life.

I feel like my identity has been so wrapped up in being a teacher that now that I no longer want that my identity is gone. How could people love me for who I am if I don't even know who I am any longer?

I am a Child of the most High God and I rest in that.

I am a daughter of the most High King.

I am a sister to the one who died for all my sins and my sorrows.

I am a branch of the Living Branch.

I AM FOREVER AND ALWAYS LOVED AND ACCEPTED BY GOD.

I still struggle with feeling loved and appreciated by I am also learning how to love me. That's hard for me but I working on it. I'm a broken person and I'm trying to pick up the pieces and put me back together.

Looking for the good...instead of the bad

I am doing so much better.

God is amazing.

God is working.

God is healing me.

This weekend I went away from school to go celebrate my grandma's 85th birthday. I got to see some of my relatives for the first time since my grandpa's funeral 4 years ago. Some of them I had never met before. God reminded me of how blessed I am. There was 33 of us together this weekend. 33 of that come from all walks of life but have one similarity, Doris Frazier. My grandmother is an amazing woman. She has gone through so much in her life and she has relied on God. God has been her stronghold and who she has turned to in everything. Some of my family is going through a tough time in their lives right now and my grandma pulled out this devotional and read "If you can't trace God's hand, you can always trust His heart."

That hit me like a ton of bricks. Right now I can't see God in my life but I know that He is there and that He is working and that HE will PROVIDE. God has surrounded me with an amazing family that I love dearly and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I wish we all lived closer so we could see each other more often but we don't always get what we want. But this weekend I was reminded of how much I am loved and I am appreciated. My love language is a pretty close 3 way tie for first between words of affirmation, quality time, and physical touch. I got a lot of that this weekend. I was loved on and I was able to love my family. I was reminded of how I want to leave a legacy behind. I want to have a ton of kids, and grand kids and great grandkids. My grandma has 5 kids, 13 grandkids (not including spouses on those) and 13 great grand kids with number 14 on the way. I want to be like my grandma to leave a legacy of loving God and loving people.

I will not let the voice of Satan deceive me into thinking I am not loved or appreciated because I am loved and appreciated by the God who created everything. I am loved and appreciated by my family. I am loved and appreciated by my friends. I may not always see it and they may not say it which is hard sometimes but I know that I am loved and appreciated.

This battle is over but I will continue to fight. I will stand up against the world around me and serve the one I love no matter what. I may not see God moving in huge ways right now, but I trust Him and I love Him and I will serve Him no matter what. I will look for the good and not dwell on the bad. I will look to Him to provide everything in my life. I will look for the manna instead of the trial.

If you can't trace God's hand, you can always trust His heart.

Hurting

I'm hurting.

My life is not what I want it to be.

My life is no where near perfect.

I am hurting.

I am numb. Death no longer affects me.

I've experienced 16 deaths in 3 years.

16.

That's a huge number. My great uncle died about 2 weeks ago. I don't think I've cried about it. I wasn't that close to him but he was still family. He was still part of my life and I won't ever see him again.

My heart is in so many pieces.

I'm broken for my friends.

my family.

my campers.

the world.

the people around me.

We are in a broken world and I am just a part of it.

I'm trying to work through my problems.

I've had so much happen in the past 6 weeks of being back at school.

Losing some friendships.

Friendships changing.

Dealing with broken hearts and broken lives.

I need and desire God more than ever but sometimes I feel like he's forgotten about me.

I feel so under appreciated and not valued by some friends.

I do so much for so many and get spread very thin sometimes.

I don't need to be loved by everyone but sometimes I feel like all I do is give and I never really ever ask for anything in return.

I don't like asking for help.

I feel weak and I don't like to show weakness.

It's something I've always struggled with and will most likely will continue to struggle with.

I am human and I am weak.

I can't do this on my own anymore.

I need help.

I need God more than ever.

Exhausted

I am broken.

I am exhausted.

I am in desperate need of prayer and of support.

I have one and a half weeks left of camp and I'm tired.

This week has been a very hard week. My campers don't listen and love to scream! Please pray that God would just calm them. Pray for me to have the strength and energy to get through the next week and a half. I'm sorry that I haven't posted as often as I would like but life has been busier than I thought. I love you all and cannot wait to catch up in person.

Celebrations Galore

Saturday was my cousin Beckie’s wedding in California. It was also the 60^th anniversary party for my camp. Two weeks ago on Wednesday I turned 21 years old. It’s been a time of celebration. God has been so good to me and to my family over the years. God has blessed us so very much. And the family I’m talking about not only is my blood relatives but also my camp family. My friends that I have at camp have truly become like family to me. Camp friends are friends that you really can’t describe and you really just can’t ever forget either. I’ve been so blessed to have so many. While I’ve went to California last week for a few days for my cousins wedding I missed my friends at camp and I missed what’s been happening. This past week was jr. high coed and I was sad not to be counseling but I was glad to be able to work behind the scenes. It was cool to see how my fellow counselors work. When you are a counselor you get so wrapped up in your cabin and your campers that you don’t get a chance to observe the others.

This week is jr. high boys. I’m in the kitchen as an assistant cook. It’s been awesome. The staff has been amazing and so very hardworking. The do everything we ask and are constantly asking how else we can help out. It’s awesome. I’m very tired but not as tired as our guy counselors who are going on week 3 of 4 of counseling straight. I’m praying for them and ask that you would too as well. Be praying for our staff because we are all tired. We are all wiped. We get are getting to the point where we utterly rely on Him alone. Pray that we would be broken and do reach that point of crying to God saying you are the only way I’m making it through this. God has been using us and I pray he continues to use us.

Bug Bites

As I sit here, I'm trying not to scratch at my numerous bug bites. I love almost everything about camp but bugs bites are one thing I could do without. This past of camp was good. Girls camp was really good. My cabin was awesome. They were all first time campers and really enjoyed everything about camp. They loved the campout early morning fishing and everything about handcraft. I made probably 10 bracelets, 2 fish lanyards and gave a ton of lessons. My girls sang and danced during chapel. They heard all about the love of God. I had one really homesick camper. She would cry at random times through, it wasn't predictable at all which made it harder. She made it through the week which was great. I miss my girls. They were wonderful. This week is boys camp so I have a bit of a break which is nice. I'm on rec staff this week which is something I enjoy and I'm good at. Pray that I get the rest I need this week and that God would break us as a staff. Because only when we are completely broken will we be completely and utterly relient on God and he will do wonders through us.

My Heart Has Been Stolen

Jr. Coed is over and Jr. Girls has begun. Jr. Coed went really well this year. I had a great but talkative cabin. I think that the girls really did get a lot out of what we learned and talked about. One of them even accepted Christ which is totally awesome! I definitely had a favorite camper this past week though. I know I’m not supposed to pick favorites but I did. It wasn’t a camper from my cabin but one from my team. His name is Jarell and he stole my heart. He wasn’t the best behaved camper but he definitely was my favorite. Whenever he would come to sports he would give it his all until we were losing or when he got out and than he would run off but I would run after him. I would talk with him and get him to come back and play. He would listen to me and we made a good team. I made us matching bracelets so that we could always remember each other. Saying goodbye to him and the rest of the Kenosha kids was really hard. I ended up crying a couple of times. He definitely stole part of my heart when he left but he turned to me and said don’t worry I’ll be back next year. I met so many amazing campers this past week and I know so many of them will go on to do amazing things for God.

My cabin for girls week is great but half of them are homesick so just be praying for that for right now.