Why did I doubt?

Why did I ever doubt I was loved and cared for by the people surrounding me?

Why did I ever think that I wasn't appreciated?

I think I figured it out this past week.

I don't want to be a teacher right now.

Yes, you read that correctly, I don't want to teach anymore or at least for the next few years and that has been my identity the past few years. That's all I've been thinking of doing with my life since high school...maybe even before that. I just don't have a passion for it right now, so why do something that I don't have a passion for right now. That's not fair to me or the students that I would be teaching. Maybe I'll change my mind once I get back into the classroom for mini-teaching and student teaching but I'm open to whatever God wants for my life.

I feel like my identity has been so wrapped up in being a teacher that now that I no longer want that my identity is gone. How could people love me for who I am if I don't even know who I am any longer?

I am a Child of the most High God and I rest in that.

I am a daughter of the most High King.

I am a sister to the one who died for all my sins and my sorrows.

I am a branch of the Living Branch.

I AM FOREVER AND ALWAYS LOVED AND ACCEPTED BY GOD.

I still struggle with feeling loved and appreciated by I am also learning how to love me. That's hard for me but I working on it. I'm a broken person and I'm trying to pick up the pieces and put me back together.

Looking for the good...instead of the bad

I am doing so much better.

God is amazing.

God is working.

God is healing me.

This weekend I went away from school to go celebrate my grandma's 85th birthday. I got to see some of my relatives for the first time since my grandpa's funeral 4 years ago. Some of them I had never met before. God reminded me of how blessed I am. There was 33 of us together this weekend. 33 of that come from all walks of life but have one similarity, Doris Frazier. My grandmother is an amazing woman. She has gone through so much in her life and she has relied on God. God has been her stronghold and who she has turned to in everything. Some of my family is going through a tough time in their lives right now and my grandma pulled out this devotional and read "If you can't trace God's hand, you can always trust His heart."

That hit me like a ton of bricks. Right now I can't see God in my life but I know that He is there and that He is working and that HE will PROVIDE. God has surrounded me with an amazing family that I love dearly and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I wish we all lived closer so we could see each other more often but we don't always get what we want. But this weekend I was reminded of how much I am loved and I am appreciated. My love language is a pretty close 3 way tie for first between words of affirmation, quality time, and physical touch. I got a lot of that this weekend. I was loved on and I was able to love my family. I was reminded of how I want to leave a legacy behind. I want to have a ton of kids, and grand kids and great grandkids. My grandma has 5 kids, 13 grandkids (not including spouses on those) and 13 great grand kids with number 14 on the way. I want to be like my grandma to leave a legacy of loving God and loving people.

I will not let the voice of Satan deceive me into thinking I am not loved or appreciated because I am loved and appreciated by the God who created everything. I am loved and appreciated by my family. I am loved and appreciated by my friends. I may not always see it and they may not say it which is hard sometimes but I know that I am loved and appreciated.

This battle is over but I will continue to fight. I will stand up against the world around me and serve the one I love no matter what. I may not see God moving in huge ways right now, but I trust Him and I love Him and I will serve Him no matter what. I will look for the good and not dwell on the bad. I will look to Him to provide everything in my life. I will look for the manna instead of the trial.

If you can't trace God's hand, you can always trust His heart.