N'awlins

I definitely left part of my heart in Louisiana. Last week was my spring break and I spent the week serving in the Lower Ninth Ward of New Orleans. It was a week that pushed me, broke me, encouraged me, and made me think a lot.

I went New Orleans a year after Hurricane Katrina. I was shocked and saddened to see how much destruction and devastation had occurred in this city. To see what Mother Nature could do. I also saw God work through 35 students and their leaders. God touched my heart there and I've always had the desire to return to New Orleans and that opportunity came again this past spring break.

About 2 weeks before my spring break my friends Brad and Stephanie were talking about going to New Orleans and how everything was just being placed in their laps, such as transportation down there and an awesome organization to work with. They wanted everyone to have the opportunity to come with so they asked if I wanted to go and my heart leapt at the chance to go back. I prayed about it for a few days to make sure that it was something God could want me to do. And I felt that God was leading me back down there.

So on March 12, the day after I finished my student teaching fyi, we headed down to New Orleans. We hit a little bit of car trouble in Memphis but God answered prayer and our car started again. At 11PM we were pulling into New Orleans, LA and all the memories came flooding back. I was excited for the next week and what we would end up doing. We were staying in the Lower 9th Ward at the Lower 9th Ward Village which is an AMAZING organization. The story behind The Village is an awesome one and there is so much to share about it but it's an awesome place that wants to see it's community come back together. It takes a village to raise child. They are a community center/transitional housing/awesome place to be. Mack is the executive director and his brother Joe moved to NOLA 6 months ago to help his brother run the village.

During the week that I was there we cleaned out lots...the exact same thing I was doing 5 years ago. We cleaned out a lot that hadn't been touched in 6 years. 6 YEARS! How is that possible? How can there still be so much undone down in NOLA? In the Lower 9th Ward they only have 1 school open. 1 school for all the elementary and high school age kids. That just really bothers me. There are so many people that want to return home, to return to the houses that they had to abandon 6 years ago. There are some that have not returned and do not wish to return but there are a number of families that do want to return. There are some people who have returned but have no where to go, they can't return to their lot because it is so over grown with weeds and rubble or the government has overtaken it and they have to buy it back.

There is so much wrong in the city but there is so much hope and so much life coming back. The Village gave me hope. Mack, Joe, Andre, Kenneth, and Lamar gave me hope that there were people still there that are going to fight for their city. They are putting together a plan of how to help people in a disaster area. How to get their communities back together. I am part of that blue print. I am a part of The Village family and I miss them. I miss that family down there and I definitely want to return to them as soon as I possibly can.

The group with Mack and Joe.

Friendship

Friends:
1. people with whom one can laugh or cry, share hopes and dreams
2. keepers of secrets
3. allies, supporters, companions
4. those who are held in the noblest regard and the highest esteem
5. the family we choose

I have some pretty amazing friends. I have been incredible blessed to be surrounded by so many people that love me and appreciate me. They stand by me when I screw up, when I make a fool of my self, when I don't know what to do with my life, and they are just amazing. My friends know what to do when I'm stressed out...they give me hugs. They know how much a hug can mean to me. They know how much that touch of someone giving me a hug and just knowing that its gonna be ok. That them wrapping their arms around me just makes me feel safe and loved and secure. That I'm ok for that 10, 20, or 30 seconds. That someone acknowledges my presence for a short amount of time. That I am cared for.

I shared something at collegelife last week which was really hard for me to do. They had an open mic time where people were able to talk about things they struggle with and the things that we have overcome or times we feel rejected. So they had 3 statements up there:
I feel rejected when...
I struggle with overcoming...
I have succeeded in overcoming...

I was debating the entire time whether or not to go up there and I finally got the courage to do so. I struggle with overcoming the feeling that I am not loved and that I am unworthy of love.
I'm getting a lot better at receiving love and letting people love on me. One of my good guy friends came up to me after I said that and just wrapped his arms around me and held me and just told me how he loved me and how he didn't understand how I felt unloved and how I make this campus and our work team a better place. how he doesn't know what he would do without me. how he loves me. not what I do for him and make him but he just loves me for me.

I have some pretty amazing friends that surround me and love me and listen to me and hold me up and comfort me and laugh with me and at me, to stand by me, defend me, and protect me. I've seen it happen this past week a lot but I've also realized that the dynamic of some relationships are changing and they no longer care for me as much and that kind of hurts but I'm beginning to be ok with it. It really hurts sometimes, to realize I'm no longer that important to someone, but things change, friendships change.

I am loved by many fantastic friends and I'm not looking forward to saying good-bye in 3 months to some of them. So for now I will cherish the time I have with them and spend as much time with people as I can. I love my friends and they love me.

Loneliness. And Love

Loneliness. Feeling unloved.

These are feelings that a lot of people struggle with. And we aren't so open with it. People feel lonely and unloved and unappreciated and it's not ok. I've struggled with it quite a bit but I look around me and I see people who love me and care about me. They love me for me and I don't feel so lonely. Sometimes its hard to let people love on me. It's hard for me to ask for help and accept it. But we all need human contact and companionship. We need people. We need conversations to happen. I feel like we all should be a little bit more open about feeling lonely because than we will know we aren't the only ones in the world that feel that way. We aren't alone in our loneliness.

We aren't meant to be alone. We are created to be in relationships with people. We are meant to be in community. One of my favorite movies is Into the Wild. At the end of the movie he realizes that in order to be truly happy we have to share it. "Happiness only real when shared." We are to share with other people our happiness, our love, our passions, our hurts, our needs, and our lives. It makes life so much better when we do. Sometimes, a person simply needs to be heard, to be known and appreciated despite failures and imperfections, and to be loved through their mess.

All we need to do is look around and we'll see people just like us going through similar things. Feeling the same things that we feel and maybe we can get by with a little help from our friends. Maybe we all should take a second to slow down and listen to what our friends are asking and sharing and what they need too. In order to receive love you have to be willing to give it. Iris Murdoch said "We can only learn to love by loving." You have to be willing to love people. You also have to be willing to accept love back which can be really hard but really rewarding.

So pause, look around, really see people, really listen and really love and be open to love.

Words

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless." -Mother Teresa

Words mean a lot to me. I take things to heart and so words of encouragement and letters and emails and even text messages mean so much if they make me smile or laugh or sometimes even cry. They make me know that I am loved and cared for by someone. Saying a kind word to someone is so easy to do and yet we don't do it enough. Instead we tear people down, we cuss and we make fun of people and we are sarcastic. We say things to get a laugh, but on someone else's expense. I'm guilty of all of these but I'm gonna try and stop. I'm gonna try and only encourage people because I know how it much it means to me when someone takes the time to say I love you or I'm thankful for you or I miss you. It's nice to know that we are loved, cared for, and missed sometimes. It's nice to know that you aren't alone in this world.

Which we're not. We aren't alone in this world. We aren't alone in anything. We always have God but we also have friends and family and other people that we may not know but they have a story. They have wants and needs and they want to be loved as well. I think that's a pretty universal feeling to want, to love and be loved, to know someone and be known by someone. You want to be able to affect someone in a positive way. You want to be remembered once you are gone.

I've been thinking about that recently. What would people do if I was gone? Would it matter to anyone? Would anyone miss me because sometimes it feels like I wouldn't be missed. Do I really play that big of a role in this world? Do I really matter? Have I made an affect on anyone? What would people remember me for? Would I be remembered as someone who was loved and loved others? I hope so. I hope I would be remembered as someone who loves God with everything and that I tried to love like God loves. I hope I've had an affect on people. I hope I've been able to encourage people with my words. Because words mean a lot to me.

And you must remember that YOU MATTER VERY MUCH

Beautifully Sensitive

I've always been sensitive. Sensitive to people's perceptions of me. Sensitive to what is going on in my life and in others. My heart breaks for everything going on in this world. My heart is broken for those around me and for what happens in our world. Being sensitive isn't a bad thing, I've kind of always thought it has been. Growing up I was told I was too sensitive so I've always had a negative perception with the word. Being sensitive isn't a bad thing. It might make it hard for people to be honest with me because I might not react in a way that they want but in a way that I need too and in a way that is honest to me. I've been in a struggle this semester about who I am and where I stand with people. I feel like I have to bring something to the table in order to be loved but I don't. I just need to bring myself. If people aren't going to love me for who I am than I don't need them in my life. It's taken me a long time to realize that but to dwell on the fact that I just need to come as myself and part of myself is my sensitivity which plays into my heart. My heart of wanting to help people, love people, serve people and wanting to see God's kingdom brought to earth.

Today has been a good day and I've heard this song a couple of times when I've been driving to and from mini-teaching and it's what I've needed to hear. These lyrics speak truth to my heart. I have fallen in love with this song and I'm going to dwell on the truth behind this song. I feel the need to share this with you all and remind you that you are loved. you are loved not only by me but you are loved by the one who created you and the one that desires to have a relationship. He's reminding you that you are beautiful. You are meant for so much more than this.

Beautiful by MercyMe

Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured
You are sacred
You are His

I'm not in a story by myself

I'm not in this story by myself.
When did I become so self-centered?
When did I start thinking that everything had to be about me and how I am doing?
I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and I'm not the only person in my story.
And it's not my story.
I'm just a background character in God's story.
His story is the one that I want to be in.
His story is the one that I want to bring light too.
I've got some pretty amazing people surrounding me and I love them all.
I need to stop letting the petty things bother me.
I need to go back to being me.
I want to go back to being the girl who didn't care what people thought of her.
I want to go back to being the girl who loved everyone and didn't hold things against others.
I've been through the wringer this past semester.
I've felt unloved, unappreciated, and unworthy of friends.
I sometimes question why people are friends with me.
Sometimes I still feel that way but than I dwell on the fact that I am a child of God and that is all that I need.
I am loved. I am His.
Light came into the world 2000 years ago.
Light is the one thing that cannot be overcome.
Light defeats darkness every single time.
Right now the world feels very dark but there are these little pockets of light all around me and I need to cling to the ultimate light in Jesus.
I need to connect myself with the ultimate source.
He will make sure that I stand and that I don't move.
Jesus is the one that I must cling to in this time.
I am a part of his story and I'm not the only person in my story.

My Heart

My mind and my heart have been all over the place the past week. I've been reading some blogs/books, hearing some messages, talking with friends, and being shown things by God. This is gonna be a longer post but I really want to share what I've been learning and to hear feedback from you guys. :)

One of the blogs that I follow is Stuff Christians Like, I bookmarked this post (#512 Thinking You Are Naked) awhile ago but I came back to it as a distraction from a paper that I've been writing and it hit me. When did I start feeling shameful of who I am? I've been dealing with that a bit this semester. And I'm getting a lot better and not letting things bother me so much but when did I start feeling shameful of being who I am. Who has been telling me lies and deceitful things? Those words do not come from God. In this post Jon is talking about how when he was bandaging up his 5 year olds wound on her forehead she didn't want a bandaid because she would look silly. When does a 5 year old care about looking silly? Who told her that she would look silly? God asks Adam and Eve a very similar question in Genesis, He asks them who told you that you were naked? Jon says "There is hurt in God’s voice as He asks this question, but there is also a deep sadness, the sense of a father holding a daughter that has for the first time ever, wrapped herself in shame." God asks us who is telling us these lies and these things that we believe about ourselves or think about ourselves. They are not true at all. I am loved. I am cared for. I am appreciated. I am not alone in this world. Jon towards the end says

In Christ we are not worthless.

In Christ we are not hopeless.

In Christ we are not dumb or ugly or forgotten.

In Christ we are not naked.

Isaiah 61:10 it says:
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness.

God has clothed us in salvation and righteousness. I have nothing to fear. I do not need to be shameful of you I am. Read this blog, it's fantastic.

For my small group this year we are reading the book, Crazy Love by Francis Chan. We are only 2 weeks in but I am loving every part of the book. This past week we read the chapter called you might not finish this chapter. It was talking about how we don't know when our last day on earth is going to be. We don't know when we are going to die and so we need to live each day as if it is our last. But he also talked about how we think life is all about us when it is not. We are just a very small part in this movie that is all about GOD. When he talked about that it made me think of this summer and our theme of what will your story be? I am not writing my story but I am just playing a very small part in God's story. God knows where I am going. God knows what I will be doing next year. God has a part in his story for me.

This also made me think of the speaker during TC and how he said Can people tell who your father is by the way you walk? Can people tell that God is my father by the way that I live my life? I hope and pray that they do but I need to live more and more like Jesus. I need to walk closer with him. I need to give over everything.

I also just finished a paper for my christian spirituality class. It was on the Jesus Prayer. I had heard of it prior to me doing this project but I have since than fallen in love with the meaning behind it and how much power there is in it. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have Mercy on Me, a sinner. To dwell on those words and to call on the name of Jesus is a powerful thing. I need grace and mercy and love. I am a broken individual who needs all of that and I can only ask God to grant me those things. I'm going to begin to pray and meditate on these words everyday. I want to call on the name of Jesus all the time and to dwell in his presence.

The last thing I've had on my heart lately is what we've heard in chapel for the past few weeks. A couple of weeks ago Jim Wallace was here and he spoke with Tim King as well. They talked about social justice, which is something I am becoming more and more passionate about. They talked about loving your neighbor and who your neighbor really is. Jim said you learn the most by being where you don't belong. I'm not sure where I belong right now. I'm not sure what God has in store for me for next year or even next summer. I know He's gonna do great things in and through me. They also talked about having a career and a vocation. A career is something that you get and you are on a ladder seeing how high you can get on that ladder, trying to get ahead in life. A vocation is something totally different. They asked us What fires your passion? What are you really good at? Where is it that your gifts meet the crushing needs of the world? That is your vocation. I have a great love for people. I love people no matter what, or at least I try to, sometimes it's hard and I'm only human. I'm not exactly sure where that is gonna lead me but God will show me in His time.

This week we had Eugene Cho speak at chapel. He is a pastor at a church out in Washington and is the founder of OneDaysWages. Eugene talked about how we are so blessed here in the states. How we make so much, even as college students. He started off by talking about how we are bombarded all the time with advertisements of how we aren't good enough or that we don't have enough. but

80% of the world makes less than $10 a day.

2.7 billion people make less than $2 a day.

1.4 billion people under $1.25 (that's 5 quarters!)

1 billion (yes billion) people don't have access to clean water

I am so blessed. I have more than I need, I am so incredibly blessed. I have food, clothes, shelter, clean water, an awesome job (stressful at times but still awesome) amazing friend and family. I am so incredibly blessed. Onedayswages takes what you would make in 1 day and puts it to work. He shared a story of a family in Burma and how they make $40 a year. A YEAR! That number shocked me, made me feel guilty, and I wanted to cry. I spent that much on groceries last week and these people are supposed to live off of it for a year! We can be a generation that can fall more in love with the ideas of love and compassion. We have a heart for social justice, we just need to turn our deeds into actions.

So for the next 2 weeks I am going to not buy groceries and I will just live off of what I have. I will also not be spending money on luxery items such as eating out or starbucks unless it's from a giftcard. All the money that I save from that will be going to the offering we are taking up in a few weeks at school. We are going to try and raise $15,000 for a poultry farm in Zambia. We have a person who will match whatever we make up to $15,000. I pray that as a school we can come together and make it happen. I pray that we raise more money than that! God can use college students. I saw it happen at Passion 2010 when in 4 days God had 20,000 college students raise just over 1 million dollars. That's crazy but you know what my God is a God of miracles and we are His people and He will provide for us. So if you read this entire thing, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for reading what's been on my heart. I would love to hear what you think of any or all of it.