Beautifully Sensitive

I've always been sensitive. Sensitive to people's perceptions of me. Sensitive to what is going on in my life and in others. My heart breaks for everything going on in this world. My heart is broken for those around me and for what happens in our world. Being sensitive isn't a bad thing, I've kind of always thought it has been. Growing up I was told I was too sensitive so I've always had a negative perception with the word. Being sensitive isn't a bad thing. It might make it hard for people to be honest with me because I might not react in a way that they want but in a way that I need too and in a way that is honest to me. I've been in a struggle this semester about who I am and where I stand with people. I feel like I have to bring something to the table in order to be loved but I don't. I just need to bring myself. If people aren't going to love me for who I am than I don't need them in my life. It's taken me a long time to realize that but to dwell on the fact that I just need to come as myself and part of myself is my sensitivity which plays into my heart. My heart of wanting to help people, love people, serve people and wanting to see God's kingdom brought to earth.

Today has been a good day and I've heard this song a couple of times when I've been driving to and from mini-teaching and it's what I've needed to hear. These lyrics speak truth to my heart. I have fallen in love with this song and I'm going to dwell on the truth behind this song. I feel the need to share this with you all and remind you that you are loved. you are loved not only by me but you are loved by the one who created you and the one that desires to have a relationship. He's reminding you that you are beautiful. You are meant for so much more than this.

Beautiful by MercyMe

Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die!

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured
You are sacred
You are His

I'm not in a story by myself

I'm not in this story by myself.
When did I become so self-centered?
When did I start thinking that everything had to be about me and how I am doing?
I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and I'm not the only person in my story.
And it's not my story.
I'm just a background character in God's story.
His story is the one that I want to be in.
His story is the one that I want to bring light too.
I've got some pretty amazing people surrounding me and I love them all.
I need to stop letting the petty things bother me.
I need to go back to being me.
I want to go back to being the girl who didn't care what people thought of her.
I want to go back to being the girl who loved everyone and didn't hold things against others.
I've been through the wringer this past semester.
I've felt unloved, unappreciated, and unworthy of friends.
I sometimes question why people are friends with me.
Sometimes I still feel that way but than I dwell on the fact that I am a child of God and that is all that I need.
I am loved. I am His.
Light came into the world 2000 years ago.
Light is the one thing that cannot be overcome.
Light defeats darkness every single time.
Right now the world feels very dark but there are these little pockets of light all around me and I need to cling to the ultimate light in Jesus.
I need to connect myself with the ultimate source.
He will make sure that I stand and that I don't move.
Jesus is the one that I must cling to in this time.
I am a part of his story and I'm not the only person in my story.

My Heart

My mind and my heart have been all over the place the past week. I've been reading some blogs/books, hearing some messages, talking with friends, and being shown things by God. This is gonna be a longer post but I really want to share what I've been learning and to hear feedback from you guys. :)

One of the blogs that I follow is Stuff Christians Like, I bookmarked this post (#512 Thinking You Are Naked) awhile ago but I came back to it as a distraction from a paper that I've been writing and it hit me. When did I start feeling shameful of who I am? I've been dealing with that a bit this semester. And I'm getting a lot better and not letting things bother me so much but when did I start feeling shameful of being who I am. Who has been telling me lies and deceitful things? Those words do not come from God. In this post Jon is talking about how when he was bandaging up his 5 year olds wound on her forehead she didn't want a bandaid because she would look silly. When does a 5 year old care about looking silly? Who told her that she would look silly? God asks Adam and Eve a very similar question in Genesis, He asks them who told you that you were naked? Jon says "There is hurt in God’s voice as He asks this question, but there is also a deep sadness, the sense of a father holding a daughter that has for the first time ever, wrapped herself in shame." God asks us who is telling us these lies and these things that we believe about ourselves or think about ourselves. They are not true at all. I am loved. I am cared for. I am appreciated. I am not alone in this world. Jon towards the end says

In Christ we are not worthless.

In Christ we are not hopeless.

In Christ we are not dumb or ugly or forgotten.

In Christ we are not naked.

Isaiah 61:10 it says:
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness.

God has clothed us in salvation and righteousness. I have nothing to fear. I do not need to be shameful of you I am. Read this blog, it's fantastic.

For my small group this year we are reading the book, Crazy Love by Francis Chan. We are only 2 weeks in but I am loving every part of the book. This past week we read the chapter called you might not finish this chapter. It was talking about how we don't know when our last day on earth is going to be. We don't know when we are going to die and so we need to live each day as if it is our last. But he also talked about how we think life is all about us when it is not. We are just a very small part in this movie that is all about GOD. When he talked about that it made me think of this summer and our theme of what will your story be? I am not writing my story but I am just playing a very small part in God's story. God knows where I am going. God knows what I will be doing next year. God has a part in his story for me.

This also made me think of the speaker during TC and how he said Can people tell who your father is by the way you walk? Can people tell that God is my father by the way that I live my life? I hope and pray that they do but I need to live more and more like Jesus. I need to walk closer with him. I need to give over everything.

I also just finished a paper for my christian spirituality class. It was on the Jesus Prayer. I had heard of it prior to me doing this project but I have since than fallen in love with the meaning behind it and how much power there is in it. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, Have Mercy on Me, a sinner. To dwell on those words and to call on the name of Jesus is a powerful thing. I need grace and mercy and love. I am a broken individual who needs all of that and I can only ask God to grant me those things. I'm going to begin to pray and meditate on these words everyday. I want to call on the name of Jesus all the time and to dwell in his presence.

The last thing I've had on my heart lately is what we've heard in chapel for the past few weeks. A couple of weeks ago Jim Wallace was here and he spoke with Tim King as well. They talked about social justice, which is something I am becoming more and more passionate about. They talked about loving your neighbor and who your neighbor really is. Jim said you learn the most by being where you don't belong. I'm not sure where I belong right now. I'm not sure what God has in store for me for next year or even next summer. I know He's gonna do great things in and through me. They also talked about having a career and a vocation. A career is something that you get and you are on a ladder seeing how high you can get on that ladder, trying to get ahead in life. A vocation is something totally different. They asked us What fires your passion? What are you really good at? Where is it that your gifts meet the crushing needs of the world? That is your vocation. I have a great love for people. I love people no matter what, or at least I try to, sometimes it's hard and I'm only human. I'm not exactly sure where that is gonna lead me but God will show me in His time.

This week we had Eugene Cho speak at chapel. He is a pastor at a church out in Washington and is the founder of OneDaysWages. Eugene talked about how we are so blessed here in the states. How we make so much, even as college students. He started off by talking about how we are bombarded all the time with advertisements of how we aren't good enough or that we don't have enough. but

80% of the world makes less than $10 a day.

2.7 billion people make less than $2 a day.

1.4 billion people under $1.25 (that's 5 quarters!)

1 billion (yes billion) people don't have access to clean water

I am so blessed. I have more than I need, I am so incredibly blessed. I have food, clothes, shelter, clean water, an awesome job (stressful at times but still awesome) amazing friend and family. I am so incredibly blessed. Onedayswages takes what you would make in 1 day and puts it to work. He shared a story of a family in Burma and how they make $40 a year. A YEAR! That number shocked me, made me feel guilty, and I wanted to cry. I spent that much on groceries last week and these people are supposed to live off of it for a year! We can be a generation that can fall more in love with the ideas of love and compassion. We have a heart for social justice, we just need to turn our deeds into actions.

So for the next 2 weeks I am going to not buy groceries and I will just live off of what I have. I will also not be spending money on luxery items such as eating out or starbucks unless it's from a giftcard. All the money that I save from that will be going to the offering we are taking up in a few weeks at school. We are going to try and raise $15,000 for a poultry farm in Zambia. We have a person who will match whatever we make up to $15,000. I pray that as a school we can come together and make it happen. I pray that we raise more money than that! God can use college students. I saw it happen at Passion 2010 when in 4 days God had 20,000 college students raise just over 1 million dollars. That's crazy but you know what my God is a God of miracles and we are His people and He will provide for us. So if you read this entire thing, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thanks for reading what's been on my heart. I would love to hear what you think of any or all of it.

Why did I doubt?

Why did I ever doubt I was loved and cared for by the people surrounding me?

Why did I ever think that I wasn't appreciated?

I think I figured it out this past week.

I don't want to be a teacher right now.

Yes, you read that correctly, I don't want to teach anymore or at least for the next few years and that has been my identity the past few years. That's all I've been thinking of doing with my life since high school...maybe even before that. I just don't have a passion for it right now, so why do something that I don't have a passion for right now. That's not fair to me or the students that I would be teaching. Maybe I'll change my mind once I get back into the classroom for mini-teaching and student teaching but I'm open to whatever God wants for my life.

I feel like my identity has been so wrapped up in being a teacher that now that I no longer want that my identity is gone. How could people love me for who I am if I don't even know who I am any longer?

I am a Child of the most High God and I rest in that.

I am a daughter of the most High King.

I am a sister to the one who died for all my sins and my sorrows.

I am a branch of the Living Branch.

I AM FOREVER AND ALWAYS LOVED AND ACCEPTED BY GOD.

I still struggle with feeling loved and appreciated by I am also learning how to love me. That's hard for me but I working on it. I'm a broken person and I'm trying to pick up the pieces and put me back together.

Looking for the good...instead of the bad

I am doing so much better.

God is amazing.

God is working.

God is healing me.

This weekend I went away from school to go celebrate my grandma's 85th birthday. I got to see some of my relatives for the first time since my grandpa's funeral 4 years ago. Some of them I had never met before. God reminded me of how blessed I am. There was 33 of us together this weekend. 33 of that come from all walks of life but have one similarity, Doris Frazier. My grandmother is an amazing woman. She has gone through so much in her life and she has relied on God. God has been her stronghold and who she has turned to in everything. Some of my family is going through a tough time in their lives right now and my grandma pulled out this devotional and read "If you can't trace God's hand, you can always trust His heart."

That hit me like a ton of bricks. Right now I can't see God in my life but I know that He is there and that He is working and that HE will PROVIDE. God has surrounded me with an amazing family that I love dearly and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I wish we all lived closer so we could see each other more often but we don't always get what we want. But this weekend I was reminded of how much I am loved and I am appreciated. My love language is a pretty close 3 way tie for first between words of affirmation, quality time, and physical touch. I got a lot of that this weekend. I was loved on and I was able to love my family. I was reminded of how I want to leave a legacy behind. I want to have a ton of kids, and grand kids and great grandkids. My grandma has 5 kids, 13 grandkids (not including spouses on those) and 13 great grand kids with number 14 on the way. I want to be like my grandma to leave a legacy of loving God and loving people.

I will not let the voice of Satan deceive me into thinking I am not loved or appreciated because I am loved and appreciated by the God who created everything. I am loved and appreciated by my family. I am loved and appreciated by my friends. I may not always see it and they may not say it which is hard sometimes but I know that I am loved and appreciated.

This battle is over but I will continue to fight. I will stand up against the world around me and serve the one I love no matter what. I may not see God moving in huge ways right now, but I trust Him and I love Him and I will serve Him no matter what. I will look for the good and not dwell on the bad. I will look to Him to provide everything in my life. I will look for the manna instead of the trial.

If you can't trace God's hand, you can always trust His heart.

Hurting

I'm hurting.

My life is not what I want it to be.

My life is no where near perfect.

I am hurting.

I am numb. Death no longer affects me.

I've experienced 16 deaths in 3 years.

16.

That's a huge number. My great uncle died about 2 weeks ago. I don't think I've cried about it. I wasn't that close to him but he was still family. He was still part of my life and I won't ever see him again.

My heart is in so many pieces.

I'm broken for my friends.

my family.

my campers.

the world.

the people around me.

We are in a broken world and I am just a part of it.

I'm trying to work through my problems.

I've had so much happen in the past 6 weeks of being back at school.

Losing some friendships.

Friendships changing.

Dealing with broken hearts and broken lives.

I need and desire God more than ever but sometimes I feel like he's forgotten about me.

I feel so under appreciated and not valued by some friends.

I do so much for so many and get spread very thin sometimes.

I don't need to be loved by everyone but sometimes I feel like all I do is give and I never really ever ask for anything in return.

I don't like asking for help.

I feel weak and I don't like to show weakness.

It's something I've always struggled with and will most likely will continue to struggle with.

I am human and I am weak.

I can't do this on my own anymore.

I need help.

I need God more than ever.

Exhausted

I am broken.

I am exhausted.

I am in desperate need of prayer and of support.

I have one and a half weeks left of camp and I'm tired.

This week has been a very hard week. My campers don't listen and love to scream! Please pray that God would just calm them. Pray for me to have the strength and energy to get through the next week and a half. I'm sorry that I haven't posted as often as I would like but life has been busier than I thought. I love you all and cannot wait to catch up in person.